“In the middle”
Normally, I do not remember my dreams. In fact, many mornings I awaken with no memory of having dreamed at all. Yet, over the past several weeks my sleep has been filled with vivid dreams about church. While I don’t recall the details, I know the dreams are signs that my brain is working through the underlying anxiety of this transition to retirement. Yes, I’m excited about this next stage of my life, but I’m also aware of how different it will be without the rhythms of parish life to provide structure and purpose to each day.
When I feel anxious, I find Psalm 139 very helpful.
Where can I go then from your Spirit? *
where can I flee from your presence?
If I climb up to heaven, you are there; *
if I make the grave my bed, you are there also.
If I take the wings of the morning *
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
Even there your hand will lead me *
and your right hand hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will cover me, *
and the light around me turn to night,"
Darkness is not dark to you;
the night is as bright as the day; *
darkness and light to you are both alike.
(Psalm 139: 6-11)
Both Stephanie and I are living “in the middle” right now. We are preparing to leave St. Paul’s in a few weeks and yet are staying in Indianapolis. I still have work to do but am increasingly irrelevant to the planning that is going on for the spring, summer and fall. I am retiring but Stephanie is not. The routine of our life, set for decades by the rhythm of the church, is about to change significantly.
St. Paul’s is also living in the middle. I’m still here but questions now arise about who has authority and who makes decisions. The wardens, vestry and staff are focused on making the interim period as smooth as possible even as there remain any number of unanswered questions. And we do like answers to our questions, don’t we?!
Living in the middle understandably raises anxiety. It is so easy to focus on what we don’t know instead of what we do know. Which makes this a good time to remember that God is with us always, including in the middle. “Even there your hand will lead me, and your right hand hold me fast.”
